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60 questions

Deep questions to ask your partner

This list collects the questions that ask for more than a quick answer. They are about the inner side of a person: what scares you, what you are proud of, what home means to you, which memories still shape how you love, and who you hope to become over the next few years.

Use them on an evening when nobody has to be anywhere. A long walk, a quiet dinner or the last hour before sleep all work well. One good question can easily fill an hour, so there is no need to get through many.

Some of these will feel easy for one of you and hard for the other. That is normal, and often the most interesting part.

  1. 1.What was your first impression of me, and how has it changed?
  2. 2.What is a fear you have that you rarely talk about?
  3. 3.How do you define 'home'?
  4. 4.What is one thing you wish I understood better about your personality?
  5. 5.Which childhood memory makes you feel the most loved?
  6. 6.When do you feel most connected to me?
  7. 7.What is a lesson from a past relationship you've applied to us?
  8. 8.What is your favorite way to receive affection?
  9. 9.What is the most difficult thing you've ever gone through?
  10. 10.How do you handle stress, and how can I best help during those times?
  11. 11.What are you most proud of in your life so far?
  12. 12.What does 'loyalty' mean to you in a relationship?
  13. 13.What is one dream you've given up on, and why?
  14. 14.How do you feel about the way we spend time together?
  15. 15.What is something you’ve always wanted to ask me but were afraid to?
  16. 16.Which of your parents are you more like, and in what way?
  17. 17.What is the most important lesson your parents taught you about love?
  18. 18.What is one thing about our relationship that makes you feel secure?
  19. 19.How do you define success for yourself?
  20. 20.Is there a secret you’ve never told anyone?
  21. 21.What is your biggest regret, and what did it teach you?
  22. 22.How do you want to be remembered after you’re gone?
  23. 23.What does a fulfilling life look like to you regardless of money?
  24. 24.What do you think is your greatest strength as a partner?
  25. 25.What is one area where you think we could grow together?
  26. 26.What is your philosophy on money and spending?
  27. 27.How do you want to handle disagreements in the future?
  28. 28.What makes you feel most 'seen' and 'heard' by me?
  29. 29.What is one thing you’ve learned about yourself since we’ve been together?
  30. 30.How do you feel about the role of physical intimacy in our relationship?
  31. 31.What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
  32. 32.What would you do if you were never afraid of anything again?
  33. 33.What do you value most in a friendship, and do we have that?
  34. 34.What is one habit of mine that you find endearing?
  35. 35.If you could change one event in your past, what would it be?
  36. 36.How would you describe our 'love story' to someone else?
  37. 37.What are you most grateful for today?
  38. 38.In what ways do you feel we are most different?
  39. 39.What does a 'safe space' mean to you in a partnership?
  40. 40.What do you think is the biggest challenge facing couples today?
  41. 41.How do you feel about the way we balance our individual lives and our life together?
  42. 42.What is one thing you hope we never lose as a couple?
  43. 43.What is your idea of a perfectly spent weekend?
  44. 44.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
  45. 45.What do you think our life will look like in ten years?
  46. 46.What does 'vulnerability' mean to you, and is it easy for you to be vulnerable with me?
  47. 47.If you could witness any event from my past, which one would you choose?
  48. 48.What is the most meaningful gift you have ever received (not necessarily from me)?
  49. 49.How do you define a 'spiritual' connection between two people?
  50. 50.What is one thing you would never want to change about our life together?
  51. 51.What role does forgiveness play in your life?
  52. 52.What is the most brave thing you have ever done?
  53. 53.How has your definition of 'love' evolved since we first met?
  54. 54.What is your favorite personality trait of mine?
  55. 55.If you could spend a whole day asking me anything without judgment, would you?
  56. 56.What is a 'deal-breaker' for you in a friendship or relationship?
  57. 57.When do you feel most like yourself?
  58. 58.How much alone time do you need to feel balanced?
  59. 59.What is a dream you have for us that we haven't talked about yet?
  60. 60.What is the most difficult conversation we’ve ever had?

Give the answer room

Ask, then wait. Silence after a deep question usually means your partner is thinking, not that they have nothing to say. Resist filling the pause with your own answer, and when they finish, ask one follow-up before you share yours. People open up more when they feel the question was really meant for them.

It is fine to pass

Some questions touch things a person is not ready to talk about yet. Agree in advance that either of you can skip one without explaining. A pass is not a closed door, it is just not tonight. Many couples find they come back to a skipped question on their own a few weeks later.

Ask these in Our Story, one a day

In the Our Story app you each answer on your own phone, and neither of you sees the other's answer until both are in. Then they unlock at the same time. A fresh daily question arrives every morning, and the library is sorted by topic for the evenings you want more.

Questions for couples